How to Stay Married During the COVID-19 Pandemic
It may come as no surprise that divorce rates in China rose sharply in March 2020. It is expected that we may see a similar trend in the United States as couples are forced into spending day and night together during the stay at home order. While absence makes the heart grow fonder, is there such a thing as spending too much time with your spouse? As Twitter users quickly pointed out, you cannot spell “DIVORCE” without “COVID.”
All the time together may be especially difficult for couples who are used to only seeing each other in passing during the week, or for those families where one spouse travels during the week and is only home on the weekends. Our daily routines are in chaos. Not only are we figuring out how to navigate this “new normal, but we have to figure it out with our kids and spouse in the process. As a divorce attorney who works with her husband, who is also a divorce attorney, we certainly know what it is like to spend a lot of time together, even before COVID-19. Here are some tips to help you not only co-exist, but to help you navigate this new phase in your relationship.
Communication
As every relationship expert will probably tell you (and I am NO expert): communication is key. By not letting your spouse know what is bothering you, those little annoyances will continue to build until anger takes over and you may explode and yell at your spouse for leaving dirty clothes on the floor for the eighth day in the row. While it is a good idea to lower some of your expectations about when things should get done, be sure to clearly communicate with your spouse what those “triggers” are for you. Discuss ground rules and expectations before it becomes an argument. Talk about your fears with your spouse, whether it is money, the future, or getting infected with COVID-19. If money is your main stressor, talk about what expenses can be eliminated and make a plan. If you are worried about your health, discuss who will do the shopping for the family and the steps you all will take to protect your family. When you don’t clearly communicate your concerns and fears, those issues don’t go away, and your spouse can’t do anything to help you.
Boundaries
If you are both working at home and have kids in the house doing schoolwork, setting boundaries can be a challenge. Designate a specific work space for each of you and agree not to impede on the other person’s space for a certain amount of time. This could be for two-hour increments or for most of the work hours. While you can’t expect your spouse to stay out of the kitchen for four-hour blocks, it is reasonable to ask them not to come into the dining room or office for that period of time. If you need a break, take a walk or go on a bike ride just get out of the house for a bit. Schedule a web conferencing call with a group of friends. In the evenings you can watch Netflix in the bedroom while your spouse watches TV in the living room. Know how much time you all can be together before you need a break and understand that alone time is healthy and normal.
Date Night
Since you are together all the time, why would you need to schedule a date night? Being together is different than spending quality time together when you are not consumed with the stresses of work, finances and homeschooling. Let the kids watch a movie in another room or play Xbox while you and your spouse have some alone time without going “out.” Order take out from your favorite restaurant and use the wedding china. Make a picnic and eat outside with music playing, cloth napkins, and tablecloths. Play cards. Do a puzzle. Set up a wine tasting. Cook a meal together. Have a dance party. Do yoga together or a workout video. While time with the kids is important, (we have been alternating between evening walks and bike rides and finishing up with games of foursquare, basketball, volleyball or badminton) time as a couple is crucial. Focus on what you love about your spouse and how you used to have fun when your first started dating to give you additional ideas.
Be Kind
Instead of focusing on things you wish your spouse would do for you, do it for them instead. Practice acts of kindness without being asked. Bring your spouse a cup of coffee. Unload the dishwasher. Plan and cook dinner. Help with the homeschooling if your spouse is carrying the workload. Do some laundry. Always say goodnight before going to bed. Think about what you could do to make your spouse’s day more enjoyable and do it without asking. Don’t keep score, because not only will it not help in your marriage, it won’t help in a divorce either. Marriage isn’t 50/50 – some days it is 80/20, others 60/40, but each partner must be willing to give 100% for the relationship to work.
Fight Fair
It is inevitable that you and your spouse will argue during this time, but how you argue is key. Do your best to avoid arguing in front of the kids. They are stressed out enough with not being in school, sports or spending time with their friends. Do not start arguments with “You.” Instead, use “I” statements to explain how you feel and why. Another tactic used by author Brene Brown is to state “The story I am telling myself is…..”. For example, “the story I am telling myself when you leave clothes on the floor is that you do not care about my feelings and you do not appreciate what I do for you.” We all tell stories to ourselves as we are the narrator/main character replaying the scenes in our minds, but your spouse isn’t inside your head and has no idea what that story is. All our spouse may know is that we are mad or hurt because they did or not do something, but getting to how it makes us feel and the story we are telling ourselves is a valuable tool in explaining our thoughts and feelings. This may help your spouse see your perspective.
Like all things in life, this too will pass. While the pandemic may speed up the path of divorce for couples that were already heading down that road, it doesn’t mean you can’t get through this and strengthen your relationship in the process.